posted December 3, 2011
What is going on?! Up is down, right is left, cats and dogs are dancing together paw-in-paw, and… the Golden one is off his game? We initially dismissed whispers that Chicago’s most vaunted crisis manager and strategist was off his game as nothing more than petty jealousy, but given the way up-and-coming lobbyist Stacie Hall just wiped the floor with Eli Gold in D.C. (and waltzed off with Lockhart/Gardner’s lucrative Wisconsin Dairy Council account in the process), we’re beginning to have second thoughts.
Insiders also say that while it has always been assumed that Lockhart/Gardner was only a temporary home for Gold, his standoffish stance has won him no allies at his new home. And truth be told, labeling all the French Vanilla nondairy creamers in the kitchen with “ELI’S! DO NOT TOUCH!! THIS MEANS YOU!” probably didn’t help matters.
Anyone seen our man’s misplaced mojo? Fingers crossed he finds it before his next campaign… y’know, the one that was supposed to take him to the White House and the national stage with just a quick pit stop in Springfield?
posted December 3, 2011
Rumors abound that the S.A.'s special investigation into arch-nemesis Lockhart/Gardner has incorporated a new member into their Super Duper Friends. We’ve heard that they’ve added the relentless bloodhound nose of a Super Detective.
Super Dick’s crime sniffing abilities now join the power of “Miss Congeniality" and her pearly whites. (We mean the flawless Wendy Scott-Carr, friends.) After being assigned the role of leader by Captain Malfeasance, Scott-Carr has now assembled her team. Starting with an elite group of A.S.A.s, she has also added the super-smarm abilities of Cook County’s New Deputy S.A., Cary Agos.
With all the conviction of a “real” actor in a bat suit with a growling voice, Miss Congeniality is determined to save the day, as the S.A. Super Duper Friends take on the criminal masterminds of LG. In the days ahead, we’re hoping for some explosions and some CGI in the courtroom… but mostly we just want to see them in some tights.
posted November 21, 2011
We’re getting reports that the Cheese Heads (no, not those blasted Packer fans), but the heads of the Cheese and Dairy Guilds, are meeting in D.C. on an appeal to change the most recent food diagram from the plate back to the pyramid. Blessed are the cheese makers, for they have been moved off the chart completely.
See our artist's rendering below of what you know someone got paid tons to "design":
Yes, we were thrilled to get a chance to use Comic Sans
If a kid opens up a fridge, should he have a slice of red or should he heat up a slice of purple? Big Cheese is arguing that the pyramid was the right way to go – they were part of the actual chart and it had pictures! And as we know, these days, American kids can’t read, unless the words are pizza, ketchup, or Elmo.
Leading the way is the Big Cheese himself, Heather Farms CEO Walter Kermani, who is still trying to make up for the vomiting outbreak in a school cafeteria – originally thought to be listeria, but now suspected to be a result of the kids finding out Kim bought her own $2 million engagement ring.
Forget the plate. Forget the pyramid. Our crack design team here at Snark has come up with the perfect solution for our times. The Food Rhombus!
It kinda looks like a tray. Get it?
So readers, what other suggestions do you have for a new food diagram?
posted November 21, 2011
Our fearless leader at the S.A.'s office, Captain Malfeasance, is once again demonstrating his newfound feasance. Peter Florrick has just removed himself from a special investigation into Lockhart-Gardner, his wife's firm, due to a conflict of interest.
We at Snark applaud this bold, upstanding move and eagerly await the appointment of the independent prosecutor. Someone fair-minded, with no axe to grind, no personal agenda.
Someone like Judge Judy. Or the Dalai Lama. Or --- wait, what now?!
Wendy Scott-Carr?! Wendy Scott-Carr, the woman whom he just defeated in a general election for his office, that Wendy Scott-Carr? The woman who has a picture of herself seated at the S.A.'s desk on her vision board? Nope, can’t see any downside to that plan.!
Oh Captain My Captain isn't the brightest guy sometimes, is he? What do you think, readers? Have Peter Florrick's newfound righteous ways clouded his judgment, or are we and our hearts-of-coal thinking too cynically over here? Sound off in the comments.
posted November 15, 2011
Today, Robert Mulvey held a press conference after he, in making the first step, admitted he had a problem. What we thought was going to be a public acknowledgement of his bizarre fetish for statues, we were bummed to find it was just the trope admission to alcoholism. As revealed, Mulvey has a history of public service spent with other monuments: including Abe “the Log Man” Lincoln, an upright Civil War hero, and Michelangelo’s BFF, David.
Mulvey is now headed to rehab for his drinking problem. With the help of breathing exercises and a new addiction to nicotine, Mulvey will be due for some smaller upcoming campaign in the near future. Can you imagine an election for the redeemed politicos with he and Anthony Weiner going head to head? We can only dream.
Check out melancholy Mulvey below:
So readers, do you buy this as an explanation for his photo album?
posted November 14, 2011
In a bold move to either get ahead of a possible scandal or just to brag that he met the guy, future candidate Robert Mulvey released a "racy" photo to the press today of his first meeting with a Santa Claus lawn decoration.
Now after a close analysis of the photo, we’re not quite sure if he's checking Santa's shoelaces or fastening the jolly man's belt. As to the possible insinuation that Mulvey was pleasuring Kris Kringle... we at Snark would never dream of going there. But based on Santa's Ho-Ho-Oh-face, all we can guess is that someone's getting the latest smartphone for Christmas.
posted November 11, 2011
The buzz about a State's Attorney's investigation into a certain prominent Chicago legal firm is growing louder. Sounds like the perfect new case for their recently acquired crisis manager. The S.A.'s office does not comment on ongoing investigations, so we have no confirmation yet – but clients are starting to get skittish. As to the nature of this investigation, it's anybody's guess. But how much trouble could a couple hundred lawyers get up to, anyway?
posted November 07, 2011
Looks like Cook County Courthouse is fast becoming The Ivy of the Chicago legal world. Escandalo! Chicago’s sixteenth most eligible bachelor squared off on the court steps against the newly redeemed State’s Attorney Peter Florrick. Wherefore the morning mano a mano? A plea deal gone south? A heated argument over the finer points of tax law? Disgruntled Monday morning objections to a last minute hinky fantasy football trade [Romo for Brady?! In what world?!] Help us out, tipsters. Care to clue us in on what could possibly have these solicitors so unsolicitous?
posted November 07, 2011
Rumors are buzzing about today's courthouse sighting. We thought he had just become a myth, a bedtime story criminals told their kids at night. Spotted moving swiftly through the halls of the Federal Courthouse was none other than The Coated Crusader – aka Former S.A. Glenn Childs – looking more rested than Kris Humphries after the relief begins to sink in.
No photo was nabbed of our elusive superhero. But word is that he has switched over to the Feds, working as a U.S. Attorney where he swooped in and crashed the private proceedings in one courtroom.
Which good citizen behind those doors needed saving? Why, it was none other than… Alicia Florrick? Maybe this isn’t the saving of a damsel in distress. Maybe it's some vigilante vengeance for the Coated Crusader.
posted October 31, 2011
We've heard that our dear old State's Attorney, Captain Malfeasance, has been looking to name a new deputy in his office. Power plays and dirty dealings in the SA's office are reaching a fever pitch as all the ASA debs vie for the honor of being the Captain's right-hand man. Anything goes. Sloughing off dud cases on each other. Switching colleagues to tinier and tinier offices. Bellowing “You shall not pass!” to your enemies while holding a staff and a knife. [You would be astounded how well that last one works. People STEP TO.]
posted October 31, 2011
What crisis/PR manager has been rumored to be doing some vetting around town? After getting a certain philandering Cook County official back in office, this manager might be lining up his next campaign… for none other than his ex! How efficient! All the oppo research has already been done!
Maybe it's not so strange. Maybe they both found in each other a person they trusted and decided to embark on a grueling venture with terrible odds and 24/7 contact, during which they would be guaranteed to see each other at their worst, while mounting tensions, fear of failure, and money woes threatened to consume them.
Then they got divorced and embarked on a political campaign. (BAM! Nailed it!)
Hey, while it sounds crazy to us, this arrangement might work for them. After a break-up, some people run out and make bad decisions; others hunker down with ice cream and Nora Ephron; a precious few will choreograph a concert with ex-lookalike dancers, warble an off-key song they wrote about love, then break down in hysterics in front of 10,000 people. We all grieve in our own ways.
posted October 31, 2011
File this under "gambling in Casablanca". We were shocked -- shocked -- when our spies tipped us to a backroom meeting that took place at this weekend’s Presidential fundraiser. Somewhere in a back kitchen, amidst the rubber chickens, two Assistant State's Attorneys were meeting with a White House advisor to the President – who just happens to also be the former advisor to and attorney of S.A. Peter Florrick. You know, the one who got him cleared of his hooker-toe-sucking, err, corruption charges.
Our curiosity is killing us. What was the reason for this late night meeting? Our tipster didn’t get close enough to hear their chatter, so feel free to clue us in or speculate in the comments! Was the crime-fighting duo looking for hints that their boss plans to bolt for Springfield as soon as possible? Pitching themselves as a 2-for-1 attorney deal on the re-election campaign? What sort of skullduggery was going on? And are we all on board with giving ‘skullduggery’ the comeback it so richly deserves?
posted October 24, 2011
The Chicago machine has been keen on pushing Adam Spellman, head of Chicago Black Leadership Council, for a speaking slot at the DNC 2012. Until it was revealed earlier this week that his wife donated to a pro-DOMA organization through her own company. Wives – always ruining it for everyone.
Now the scramble for a new favorite has created just enough of an opening for Captain Malfeasance to shimmy through. That's right. Our very own Peter Florrick pitched his sinner-to-saint story to Donna Brazile, current Vice Chair of the Democratic National Committee. And what's the verdict? Is our boy ready for primetime? Stay tuned...
posted October 24, 2011
Another blind item to ponder while you reset your DVRs for football delays -
Which infamous inmate—whom everyone so knows killed his wife yet only got locked up for another crime—just cut a deal with the State's Attorney's office? We're hearing that in return for help on another case, this pernicious prisoner might get a shortened sentence and go free. So who is he?
(And no, he isn't a former pro football player.)
And ain’t prison overcrowding fun?
posted October 21, 2011
Ohhh, autumn. When the leaves change color and the lake breezes are measured by wind chill, we in Chicago trade in our Cubbie tank tops for our Bears’ hoodies. We break out our binoculars, our fluorescent orange vests, and our lawn chairs as we prepare to watch another hunting season as thousands of recent college grads scramble to land a job before their deferred student loans kick in.
Such is the case of the freshly minted lawyer – wide-eyed like the spotted owl, on wobbling legs like the newborn white-tailed deer, and equipped with a wardrobe made up of 2-for-1 deals from a suit emporium. After 2.5 decades of constant nurturing and consumption, they venture out into the world and must finally fend for themselves and contribute something to their environs.
So which ones will drink from the watering hole of the private law firm? Which will settle into the rickety shelter of the public defenders’ office? Which will end up foraging for their scraps from the coffeehouse tip jar?
posted October 17, 2011
Rumor has it that S.A. Peter Florrick's office has a new visitor – a guest from the United States' Attorney's office – the granddaughter of Reverend Roy Stonehouse – one of the leaders from the Selma to Montgomery marches of ’65
And why the unexpected visit? It appears that outgoing S.A. Glenn Childs left a pretty colorless package for his incoming rival: a series of sweeter plea deals for those of the Caucasian persuasion. Captain Malfeasance has his work cut out for him as the Feds look into this suspicious pattern that resembles more of a manila folder than a chess board. With one hand on a broom to clean up his predecessor's messes and his eyes looking over his shoulder at an A.U.S.A. who's got a legacy to live up to, S.A. Florrick is finding his new term is less black and white than he had hoped… even though Cook County jails have been more black than white for a while now.
posted October 17, 2011
Color us surprised to find Celeste Serrano offering up tips on "Dispute Resolution" at the Midwest Bar Association's conference this weekend. We always thought our girl was happier ruffling feathers than soothing them.
But what's this wild child doing at Nerdfest anyway, you ask? We hear that with her old firm splitting up, she’s looking to pull some legal superstars into her galaxy and create a stellar entity of her own.
We offer up this caveat to anyone who might be favored with an approach. It's easy to get starry-eyed, but listen to those Nobel-winning physicists: the heavens are 5% starry matter and 95% dark energy pushing everything apart. Come to think of it, that's not a bad description for our heavenly gal either.
posted October 14, 2011
What's that howling you hear? That's the sound of the dogs of the defense attorney world, Chicago Legal Aid Society, receiving a kick to the hindquarters by the state of Illinois. With state funding being cut everywhere, the legal defense of the downtrodden, the lower class, and those that pay off credit cards with credit cards are being treated like public radio – not worth the angst.
What does the Chicago Legal Aid Society's demise mean to you? Well, if you're not a CEO, a star athlete, or owner of your own network and you have a bank to rob or a stabbing to commit, you'd better get it done shortly. Otherwise, you'll have your choice between a public defender and a coat rack.
posted October 14, 2011
You may spot a rather unusual type of visitor to Chicago this weekend. The annual migration of Attorne intoxicati to Chicago kicked off last night with a cocktail reception and continues through the weekend. This animal can be identified by their navy or dark gray plumage (sometimes pinstriped, often Brioni) and distinctive mating call (off-color remarks about 'Badering your Ginsburg', frequent use of Latin phrases followed by doubled-over laughter).
Fortunately, the Midwest Bar Association’s annual conference lasts only four days. Initially scientists believed that these gatherings were meant for some type of continuing education and networking, but years of observation have led them to conclude that the stated purposes serve merely as a pretext to hide the group's actual motive of drunken mating and revelry.
If an Attornicus intoxicatus stumbles across your path, do not panic. Making sudden movements or engaging in any way with him will only excite the animal. Back away slowly, maintaining a fake smile but avoiding direct eye contact, and point to somewhere far away and mutter something about "mergers panel starting in two minutes".
posted October 10, 2011
Update! Brace yourselves. A class action lawsuit was just filed today against the Dr. Howard Farland of Highland Park.
Earlier today, we reported that Dr. Howard Farland was the focus of an investigation by the State's Attorney's office for medical fraud.
Lockhart Gardner filed the suit on behalf of ten former patients of Farland late this morning. Curiously, the SA's investigation, earlier rumored to be wrapping up, is now said to be far from finished. Lockhart Gardner apparently lost their patience -- just like the doc! – and decided to proceed with the class action suit even before the State's Attorney's office concludes its investigation into Dr. Farland. To which we can only shrug and say, suture self!
posted October 10, 2011
This week you've seen CEO Walter Kermani fumble his way through a number of press conferences, all in an attempt to defend his company Heather Farms, whose cheese is at fault for the elementary school listeria outbreak. But every time a camera's been pointed at him, he's looked like a deer-in-the-headlights. That look doesn't work for the deer either. The Big Cheese followed up a slight apology with another interview where he pointed the finger at the other foods on the cafeteria trays and even turned that finger towards the victims. We're surprised he hasn't blamed the vegans yet.
But today he got a little comeuppance as CEO Kermani made a sympathetic appearance at a gathering for the victims -- and was promptly smacked in the face with a cream pie. (Wouldn't cheesecake have been the natural choice here?)
So readers, what do you think? Does a pie to the mug redeem the Big Cheese?
posted October 10, 2011
Just like a surgeon, we got some inside information. The State's Attorney's office is concluding an investigation into Highland Park surgeon Dr. Howard Farland for medical fraud.
Farland allegedly implanted his own medical device, a spinal cord stimulator, into ten unwitting patients before submitting the device for approval by the FDA. The situation came to light when a patient reviewed her surgery bill, which listed the manufacturer and inventor of the device. Further investigation revealed the good doctor had not exactly bent over backward in seeking FDA approval for the device. In fact, he'd sort of forgotten that whole step. Fortunately, once he was reminded via lawsuit, it did all come back to him, and his device was rushed through the FDA approval process.
How could a doctor who deals exclusively with patients with severe back pain not know that staring at a five figure bill will be the straw that breaks the camel's back? Especially when the camel is a very pissed off patient whom one has just billed for the privilege of acting as a medical guinea pig? How can a back doctor not realize that constant uninterrupted pain makes people very, very CRANKY?!
True fact: Almost every jerk you have ever run into has had terrible back pain. Look it up.
We at Snark send our best wishes to the recovering patient. We feel your pain (L5-S1, represent!) and hope you can put all this back pain behind you soon.
posted October 07, 2011
Here's some food for thought. Cheese slices are making elementary school kids lose their lunch.
Now that we have your unfeta'd attention – the cheese has caused an outbreak of listeria, which is making the Wisconsin State Dairy Guild run around like a Packer fan with his headwear sliced off. By now we're sure they're scrounging up a crisis manager, and whoever it is will clearly be in it for the cheddar.
This unbrielievable tragedy has hospitalized five kids with four teachers also ill. And to think – the public school cafeterias failed to realize that those yellow rubber squares wrapped in thin cellophane aren't good for our tummies.
What food company could have done such a muensterous thing? How could it have been prevented? What inspector missed the bacteria? Woulda, shoulda, gouda… Whoever's to blame is probably a bit yellow. (We cracker selves up.)
posted October 03, 2011
Jumpin Jehosephat! Seems like our favorite Bayou strategist Mickey Gunn has been making noises again -- and not them funny ones he uses huntin' critters. No, looks like Mickey's interested in taking on a new national candidate. As in 2012. That's right!
Sure, the notion of Mickey Gunn repping a GOP contender is as strange as a crocodile dressed in his Sunday best, but we've been assured our info is as "true as Aunt Mabel's heart was for any grifter in the tri-state area". So…..we think that means it's very, very true.
Gunn's new project is still in the exploratory committee stage, but we hear rumblings of an announcement early next month. To our mystery candidate, we say why not? The Iowa caucus is just two months away. Get on in, the water's fine!
posted October 03, 2011
Just a pair of blind items for you all to puzzle over this fine Monday afternoon.
Which former Senator [and father of three!] is sleeping with his very attractive nanny? The nanny, for heaven's sake. Why do these guys always go with the cliché? Won't someone spice it up with a rodeo clown sidepiece or a sensible mechanic paramour?
These married, local rising stars are generating some heat – but not with each other. From what we hear, they might as well be in their own galaxies. But pretenses have to be kept up. The white hot trajectories of each of them is might flame out if people realized where once was love, there's now just a black hole.
posted October 03, 2011
Word is out that the State's Attorney's office is looking for a new law firm to handle their civil cases. With Peter Florrick back in office, that firm can come in handy.
And who has Florrick interviewed for the job? Why it's none other than his wife's firm – Lockhart-Gardner! Will the wife get a finder's fee? Or just the tip?
So maybe Saint Alicia Florrick has forgiven her husband after all. Or maybe this is his penance. Either way, Lockhart-Gardner's investment in the Florrick family looks to be paying off.
posted September 30, 2011
Millionaire, CEO, adventurer, and wombat wrangler Oliver Cardiff doesn't seem terribly thrilled these days. In the latest in a long line of gripping non-fiction about people climbing things (my personal favorite being It's Kinda Cold Up Here) – My Brother's Peak details the account of Cardiff stepping over a dying climber and taking his bottled oxygen on his way up Everest. That's not very sporting for the CEO of a sporting goods chain. Not to mention that he needed two bottles of O2 to reach the tallest summit on the planet... wuss!
With his reputation bruised while suffering from a concussed ego, Cardiff has taken author Danny Lambros to court with a libel suit. And to think all Danny was doing was describing his brother's death. Either way, damage has been done as Cardiff will once again have to settle for 2nd runner-up for the Most Interesting Man in the World. Personally, we think adding a beard would help his chances.
posted September 23, 2011
A Jewish person, a Muslim, and a Christian walk into a cafeteria...
No, it's not a joke, but rather the innocuous beginning to a recent interfaith dialogue at Chicago Poly Tech. Apparently most of the dialogue was of an unprintable nature, as the meeting quickly grew ugly. Violence erupted as the previously peaceful-minded students began throwing punches as part of the dialogue. Use your words!!
A pro-Palestine student group on campus pointed to an anti-Hamas video emailed to the student body as the provocation for the fight. Also, the twenty-five hundred years of bloodshed and fighting prior to the video's release.
Police broke up the disturbance and arrested one student, Jimal Mifsud, a sophomore. In total, twenty students were involved in the brawl, which resulted in three students being injured, two thousand dollars worth of damage, and the death of youthful hope and optimism in several hundred college students.
posted September 23, 2011
In one of the quickest turnarounds in political fortune in memory, Peter Florrick (though he'll always be Captain Malfeasance to us!) finds himself in his old office, and unbelievably already the subject of speculation for a run at the governor's office. Might be wise to keep those whispers to a dull roar for now, though. Whichever path he chooses, Florrick has his work cut out for him.
If he manages to stick to the straight and narrow, a feat rarely achieved by any Chicago politician -- well, that's admirable. Boring, but admirable. But if he picks option B (please! please! please!) and completely flames out, he's looking at a pretty high bar. After a summer where we became all too familiar with the many meanings of the phrase “Weiner photos," we're not the easily impressed naifs we once were.
So what's the over/under on the good Captain's returning to his old ways? Let us know what you'll be betting on...
posted May 19, 2011
Well, well, well…looks like the DNC's got a pop-up store opening on North LaSalle. We hear that political strategist Eli Gold, the man behind Peter Florrick's gutsy political comeback, is setting up shop at Lockhart Gardner, and heading up a lobbying arm as part of the firm's expansion. Okay, that's incestuous even for Chicago. We're talking so far beyond ‘strange bedfellows' that it actually comes full circle back to ‘bedfellows who are actually bedfellows.'
As for what this means….well, you say “consulting wing,” we say “campaign launch pad.” Tomato, tomahto. Gold's ambitions have always been greater than local politics, and with his recent victory and Rahm now owning the mantle of Mayor for Life, there's no time like the present to start reaching for the stars.
So what will our favorite strategist's next move be? Springfield? D.C.? And heck, which Florrick will he be pushing? Weeks after the election and her last minute interview, Alicia Florrick's name is still being mentioned in some circles as a possible future nominee. And with Eli at her law firm, who knows what plans might be hatched inside the walls of Lockhart Gardner this summer? Got rumors? Speculation? Theories? Hot tips? You know where to leave them….
posted May 18, 2011
Oh, God bless the Childs. Sometimes it's just not your year. Not only did our Coated Crusader somehow manage to lose the top law enforcement post in Cook County to a former felon and hooker enthusiast who campaigned on legalizing marijuana, but it looks like he'll be going out with a whimper, not a bang.
He had hoped to leave office with a conviction in the high-profile, emotionally charged Philip Ellerbee murder case. The SA's office, along with all of Chicago's legal community, was rocked last year by the stabbing death of the long-sitting judge, and convicting the murderer had become the unspoken priority at the State's Attorney's office.
But last minute discovery of new DNA evidence and the removal of two jurors complicated what was initially considered a slam-dunk case, and the case ended in a mistrial, with the presiding judge's recommendation to reconsider prosecution.
Ouch. That's gotta hurt. (Not as much as being wrongly convicted because of a rush to judgment, Glenn, but yeah, it's gonna leave a mark.)
posted May 17, 2011
Now this is one ugly duckling of a case. We're not talking Peter-Florrick's-hooker-scandal kind of ugly, but one that can turn into a beautiful swan for whoever pulls off the win.
Multi-tasking like any good State's Attorney would, Glenn Childs, with one hand, has taken lead on the Judge Philip Ellerbee murder case, while his other hand is packing his bags before the discount moving truck pulls up.
As a civil judge, Ellerbee would have had more enemies than a Maverick has points from the 3-point line. (Civil court is full of sore losers.) But the Coated Crusader has publicly vowed to swiftly bring the judge's killer to justice.
Childs now has his prime suspect in his sights, with the trial expected to wrap up in the next couple of days. Sources say that Childs appears poised to get the win which will launch his career as a private attorney... or as the next villain in an amusement park stunt show. (He's still weighing the pros and cons.) If he loses, this could blow up for the next S.A. like the Lakers in a Game 4.
Have we mentioned we hate the Lakers? Da Bulls!
posted May 11, 2011
Okay, Stephanie Engler isn't the devil. We just like that song. But her interesting choice of lawyer seems to have paid off. With intentions so obvious that they can be seen from space, Mrs. Engler – who has made millions off of arranging affairs – snapped up the most sympathetic attorney, our country's most telegenic stand-in for the cheated upon, none other than Mrs. State's Attorney, Alicia Florrick. It's no litter of Shiba Inu puppies**, but we admit having Alicia Florrick argue Engler's case did warm and fuzzy her up a bit, resulting in what sources say was a much smaller settlement.
Does Alicia Florrick arguing Stephanie Engler's case change your opinion of either of these women? Sound off in the comments section.
posted May 10, 2011
Safe to say that when Mike Briglio signed up for an affair on SideEncounters, he ordered up the fling with no expectation of the extra side of murr-derrr. He thought he was getting a rendezvous, no strings attached. He didn't read the fine print, which resulted in no member attached. Our poor philanderer ended up iced and on ice. Ouch.
But forget going after the murderer. Let's sue a CEO instead. Is this a thing now? Because if it is, can I sue Steve Jobs? Because waiting for the iPad 3 is KILLING ME.
posted May 9, 2011
Election day has come and gone. Tis the season for kissin' ass and droppin' names as Peter Florrick has been voted into office. Assistant State's Attorneys and other office staff are worrying if it will indeed be a new beginning. Speculations abound: Will Florrick bring back any of his cronies from his first term? Or did they all flee like Billy Zane on the Titanic? Will he form a team of rivals and keep former opponent, flyweight Wendy Scott-Carr, in the S.A.'s Civil Action Bureau? Are Childs's people walking around with targets on their backs? Or is Florrick merely looking forward to spending his first paycheck on a celebratory masquerade orgy?
Only time will tell.
posted May 3, 2011
Is a great woman, they say. And in some occasional cases, there may be a few women locked in battle for the title of the gal behind the guy. (Not that we would know any, we absolutely love our mother-in-law and her Thanksgiving ’09 suggestion that she come over and cook for us because, after all, how else were we planning to eat that day.)
So when election night eve brought us a one-on-one interview with Alicia Florrick, which many pundits are claiming swung undecided voters to him in the final hours of the election, the other Mrs. Florrick was not to be outdone. The victory party coverage was hers, all hers!
Maybe it’s just my PTSD, but this interview with Chicago socialite and mother of your new (again) State’s Attorney, Jackie Florrick gave me the distinct feeling, a feeling I hadn’t had since… well, let’s just say I may have ended up fetal, rocking back and forth on the floor (my CLEAN floor!), muttering something about pearls, stuffing, and judgment.
Not that we feel too bad for Captain Malfeasance. We get the feeling he’s the kind of guy who doesn’t mind this competition one bit.
posted April 14, 2011
The come-from-behind kid did it!! (Aw, guys, last double entendre of the campaign! Cue the One Shining Moment montage.)
A year ago, when you told us that Peter Florrick would move from a jail cell back into his former office as Cook County State’sAttorney, we leaned our heads back and laughed and laughed. We may have been a little drunk, and we may have giggled so hard we wheezed. We vaguely remember slapping you on the back and saying, "Sure, sure. In some bizarro world where colleges pay Snooki $30K to give a speech and Julie Taymor’s the laughing stock of Broadway, maybe."
A startled look flitted across your face, but you quickly regained your composure and murmured, “Yes, that one,” before replacing your fedora on your head and disappearing into the crowd. Somehow we didn’t find any of that strange at the time.
Well, mysterious guy from the future, you may know what’s coming, but we’re just here in the present reporting all of it. And with bad-boy-gone-good Captain Malfeasance back in the State’s Attorney’s office, we think Chicago just got much, much more interesting.
posted April 14, 2011
We spoke too soon! Miss Congeniality's decision to thrust her adorable children and devoted husband into the limelight forced Eli Gold to take off the gloves and deliver Alicia Florrick to voters this evening.
Looks like Florrick's campaign was saving the little lady for when it really counted. The interview provided the first real look at the woman we all know from the picture but who had, up until this point, assiduously avoided speaking with the press regarding her husband's scandal and subsequent campaign.
Conducted on the eve of voting day, Alicia Florrick's interview surprised even political insiders, who termed it a last minute miracle. Her strict policy of distance from her husband's campaign led many (who, us?) to speculate as to the state of the Florrick marriage and her level of support for his campaign. Last night's interview revealed Mrs. Florrick to be firmly in her husband's corner, prostitutes, prison sentences, and engulfing public shame notwithstanding.
But what about all of you voters? You'll all be getting out there today. Will you be humming Tammy Wynette on the way into the voting booth?
posted April 11, 2011
Set your Tivo! Erica Hill has a world class interview on CBS later today with Spencer Carr. Who is Spencer Carr you and everyone and their mother asked? (No, he wasn't on "The Hills.") He's the husband of Wendy Scott-Carr, candidate for State's Attorney.
He appeared with their kids in another example of child worker exploitation. Hey! We don't want to have to outsource our cute candidates' kids to Sri Lanka now, do we? Check out an excerpt below.
Funny that the questions focused on the racist flyer. Are you going to mention the illegal nanny you employed to show how un-racist you are? No? Nothing?
But the big question is, where's Peter Florrick's wife? Still licking her wounds? Come to think of it, does she still exist? Last we saw her in the public spotlight, she resembled a pale shadow behind Captain Malfeasance when he resigned almost three years ago. Well, it might not matter. Because Spencer might've just won some necessary votes for his wife.
posted April 11, 2011
The end is nigh. (Yeah, that's right... "nigh!") We are only two days away from voting. Have your index fingers at the ready - ready to dip into that thick purple ink. Oh wait... that's not us. We don't have voter fraud to fret over in the States. It's not like anybody can hack or fix a voting computer.
The most talked about election in the history of elected attorneys will finally be answered. Will Peter "Captain Malfeasance" Florrick or Wendy "Miss Congeniality" Scott-Carr win the State's Attorney race? It's a dead heat. And we're dying for it to cool off... unless a new scandal comes along.
Could one of them have been a draft dodger? Maybe didn't inhale weed? Have a drinking problem? Maybe one has a learning disability and had a C-average in college? Maybe a shady real estate deal? No. That stuff is only good enough to get you the Presidency. This is the Cook County State's Attorney we're talking about - where you have to reach for the sky with hookers and nannies.
We'll find out come Tuesday night who, for the next four years, will justly lock away the criminals of our city. Because that's what they do, right? Or do they also have to turn on the Bat Signal?
Readers, who do you think will pull out the win?
posted April 6, 2011
Chicago's legal community is still reeling from the sudden death of Jonas Stern. Not reeling so much that they've forgotten to circle his business like vultures, but you know, for lawyers, they really came close to feeling something.
No longer will Stern's opponents look across a crowded courtroom to see the little man. No, they will now be facing off against a slightly taller little man.
That's right. While Stern's colleagues were putting on their best show of emotion for their old friend and partner, recent transplant Louis Canning swooped in and bought the old man's firm, lock, stock, and barrel. Looks like he'’s intent on making his move to the Windy City permanent.
(Which reminds us, how can you tell if it's really cold outside? Your lawyer has his hands in his own pockets. Thank you! We'll be here all week. Try the fish.)
posted April 5, 2011
It's still kicking. The State's Attorney's race was given another shot from the defibrillator that keeps on giving – the Chicago Democratic Machine. Enemy of the Machine, Wendy Scott-Carr—who was already losing in the past week's State's Attorney campaign polls—is getting kicked while she's down. The Machine has filed suit against Scott-Carr, for her "lack of residency status." No, they're not suggesting she lives in Kenya, but the claim is that she's a resident of Michigan.
Obviously it's clear whom the Machine has thrown their deep dish-filled weight behind. Clearly this wasn't from the Florrick campaign, as they wouldn't dare jeopardize their lead. The shrewd Florrick campaign manager stated that they "believe any attempt to question [their] opposition's residency is misguided."
Misguided indeed. Sympathies for Scott-Carr are on the rise and now she's tied with Florrick in the polls.
Strategy is clearly not a Democrat's strong suit.
posted April 4, 2011
So sad. Our brackets were ruined when we selected the #1 seed. And the end is finally near. To think the longest campaign in history is going to end in just one week. No, not the Chicago mayoral race (that was decided in one day behind a podium in DC). In a race that has lasted longer than an NHL season; in what was longer than Lindsay’s combined community service hours; in what has lasted almost as long as a Ken Burns documentary – the Cook County State's Attorney's race will finally be ending.
This campaign has featured a surprise three-way race, racist fliers, the support of an illegal as nanny, the support of a blouse by breast implants, an incumbent who drops out, and a sex scandal for which even we are running out of jokes.
Peter Florrick is currently leading Wendy Scott-Carr in the polls by 3 points. Barring any screw ups in this last week, he’d better focus on baseball because this is one Peter that doesn’t wanna peak prematurely.
Bam! We still got it.
posted April 3, 2011
Let other "reporters" worry about "facts" and "sources" and "responsible journalism". We're more with the scurrilous gossip. Who wants to be called "The Gray Lady" anyway? Why not "The Withered Crone" while you're at it?
That said, we aren't completely without conscience (or a working knowledge of libel laws), so we're keeping this particular item blind:
Which candidate may have been washed by the water, but hasn’t come as clean as we (and his family) thought?
Weigh in with your guesses below...
posted March 30, 2011
Look who’s caught the writing bug! Put upon political wife Lana Timmerman is taking her lemons and turning them into lemonade. And you know what they say about lemonade, Lana. It’s delicious if you add vodka.
And not that you’ve asked us, but we have some advice. Enough with the baby yoga classes. Just send that tot straight off to therapy – she’ll be needing years, so you might as well get a jump on it.
And as for you, while 1.3 Million does buy a lot of Namaste, we like where your head’s at. Grab that lemonade and vodka and start writing.
We’re thinking something about a naïve political wife,who, when her life is rocked by scandal, takes refuge in her family’s old ski lodge in Aspen, where she meets a strapping young ski instructor named Sven. He speaks only a few words of English, and has never heard of something called “Congress”, but he can read her body like a map, and one day, après ski, he finds her in front of the fireplace...
DO YOU SEE WHERE WE’RE GOING WITH THIS, LANA???
Call it chick-lit, call it memoir, we just want it to read like a snowbound version of The Story of O. Get on it, girl!
posted March 29, 2011
In the race that just won’t quit, the State’s Attorney’s campaign’s Nanny-gate is making national headlines and putting the spotlight on Illinois’s lenient treatment of illegal aliens. She was here to take our investors’ jobs. Seeing as the ones we got have done a bang up job so far. Not to mention now her family’s being hounded by the media. Check it out:
I’d say sleeper cell Natalie Flores and her family are just another casualty of classic Chicago politics. If you ain’t white and Protestant, these illegals have got to go. Catholics are like a Muslim sect, right?
Illegal alien debate, Nanny-gate, racist fliers, a 3-year-old sex scandal. With so much drama coming from the State’s Attorney’s race, if it weren’t for Rahm, nobody would’ve paid attention to the mayoral race.
posted March 28, 2011
Today's musicians are a sorry lot. We got a glee club recording covers and knocking the sales out of the originals today. And every week is some new crap-pop that is replacing the last looped-up hip hop at the top of the Billboard charts – it's like a veritable game of Chutes and Ladders. And now the band Ag47* (the asterisk isn't part of the name) is shooting up the Billboard ladder with their song "Just Drive On Out"
What's the fuss over their song? Well, of course it wasn't written by the Brit-"rockers"—if you can call a band that when your guitar's your quaternary instrument. But they took the song from hidden gem and folksy songwriter, Jarvis Bowes, who's been composing melodies out of the state loony bin for the last three decades. Back in the early '80s, Bowes was convicted of raping, torturing, and murdering a woman. No, this isn't something out of the Hostel movies. This guy's the real deal. And now he writes hit songs about it.
Have a listen to Ag47's chart-topper.
Props for not using Auto-Tune. Maybe there will be a comic book made based on the song. Then a summer blockbuster that'll get an Oscar nom. They give them to everybody these days.
*And what's up with their name? Was Vanadium23 already taken?
posted March 27, 2011
You have got to be kidding. In the annals of dumb politicians, Colorado's Congressman Timmerman has surpassed the throngs of average bad-decision competitors to run alongside the true Hall of Famers. Timmerman survived a sex scandal with a young blonde photocopy of his wife while she was out-to-here pregnant and even managed to fend off accusations that he paid for an abortion for his side piece.
Now here comes the pop quiz. Say you're a rising politico rocked by scandal but somehow given a second chance at elected office and saving your marriage. Do you A) apologize and swear to your wife and constituents to hew to the straight and narrow and not make the same mistake again,
B) Wait until your wife has left for Mommy & Me Yoga, and then hightail it to the nearest Sybaris suite for a weekend assignation with another random hussy who giggles appreciatively at your rendition of "James Brown's Hot Tub". (You know it happened.)
Click on the video below for your answer.
posted March 23, 2011
Um, is it just us or does Peter Florrick’s website seem, well, different somehow? We wish we could put our finger on what exactly it is. Maybe it's how Three 6 Mafia's "Where's Da Bud" doesn't play as the intro music on his website anymore? Or how all his scheduled appearances between now and the election are in Bridgeport or NASCAR races? Oh this is so frustrating – what can it be? It’s not the font – already checked that. But what? Hmmm...
posted March 22, 2011
Now that we all know that current State’s Attorney Glenn Childs will not be holding the office after May of this year, we’re gleefully anticipating all the fantastic petulance a lame duck SA has to offer.
But not everyone is as happy as we are. The SA’s office is full of lawyers who are keenly aware that they’re sitting ducks. And finding a cushy job with a white shoe firm isn’t duck soup these days.
But Glenny can’t be bothered with the ruffled feathers of some little ASA goslings. He’s got scores to settle! First up, endorsing Wendy Scott-Carr, the woman whom he recently argued wasn’t fit for the office, just because he hates Peter Florrick even more.
But that’s not all! Glenn knows nothing boosts office morale like a big juicy grand jury! Maybe a bunch, if he feels like it! We’ve heard rumors that a grand jury is being impaneled and we’re dying to know who he’s going after. We have a few guesses. What say you, readers? Who are the dead ducks at the top of Childs’s list?
posted March 21, 2011
Anyone hoping that Childs’s exit from the State’s Attorney’s race would (finally!) tip the scales in one direction has been sorely disappointed. With the election mere weeks away, Peter Florrick has pulled to within one point of Wendy Scott-Carr. Sigh. We’ll make another pot of coffee and keep reporting on this. We beg the candidates: won’t one of you just do something to end this thing decisively? Punch a baby. Advocate slavery. Design an amazing collection for Dior and then tell everyone you love Hitler. Whatever it takes. Just settle this thing, you two!
posted March 3, 2011
Looks like Chicago’s favorite law firm to work for (and be laid off from) has just shaken and stirred up their management once again. Sources say that LGB has voted partner Bond, Derrick Bond out. By cutting the B out, LG has admitted it was just going through a bi-curious phase and is now ready to graduate out of their college years. It seems LG is on the right track by saying forget criminal defense, after a string of wins in some high profile cases, lawsuits are where the money’s at.
Be on the look out for LG to sue someone in your neighborhood soon!
posted March 2, 2011
In an outta-the-blue announcement today, State’s Attorney Glenn Childs proclaimed that he’s quitting his reelection campaign. Say it ain’t so, Glennie!
He’s right. You gotta know how to prioritize. Priority one, family – been divorced over a year. Check! Number 2 – his job – a number of overturned verdicts due to crime lab’s falsified evidence. Cross that one off. And his campaign was third? Well now… that is one completed list.
Though rumors were rampant, we got the lowdown on exactly why the Coated Crusader will be hanging up the pinstriped cape. While Peter “Just Say Now” Florrick may have the tri-colored Rasta beanie, Glenn Childs had a real live Jamaican living in his house!
That’s right, it’s another undocumented nanny. When Childs was pointing his finger at Wendy for her illegal nanny problems, three more fingers really were pointing back at him!
To make matters worse, when he realized that the nanny was about to be tracked down and exposed just before election night, he offered to pay for a nice extended vacation in the Caribbean. Oh Glennie, you’ve been prosecuting peeps long enough to know: it’s always the cover-up that gets ya.
Now we’re left in a room alone with Captain Malfeasance and Miss Congeniality. Thanks, Childs.
posted March 1, 2011
For anyone who missed tonight’s debate, please refer to our handy summation below.
Shorter Glenn Childs: I’m grumpy! I always drive the speed limit, and I never jaywalk! Get off my lawn. Hmmph. You had a nanny. ILLEGALLY. Fiddlesticks.
Shorter Wendy Scott-Carr: Yeah, I don’t see either of you two Fathers of the Year worrying about bringing orange slices to the soccer games, so step off, bitches!
Shorter Peter Florrick: I’m cool, kids. Vote for me! Oh god, please vote for me! I pretended to listen to rappers for you. Watch this new trick I learned on my skating board.
Or you can watch our highlight reel here:
posted February 28, 2011
It’s all come down to this. Our three State’s Attorney candidates have overcome charges of corruption, empty coffers, and enough campaign trickery to make Karl Rove sigh with nostalgia. But bruised and battered though they may be, they’re all still standing. And you can be sure that they’ll be going for the jugular tomorrow night in the last televised debate before Election Day. We’re making popcorn. Who’s planning to watch? And what final questions do you have for our candidates?