posted February 9, 2011

Who knew prison could be so helpful to a political campaign? First Florrick�s big house stint raised his profile and his credibility rating among younger (read: charmingly na�ve) voters, and now, it�s bringing an even more tangible benefit to the campaign.

Rapper Young Boxer was another high-profile Tamms inmate incarcerated at the same time as Peter, and the two struck up a friendship during their time in the 618. So much so that Young Boxer is now scheduled to perform at an upcoming benefit concert for the suddenly cool candidate. It doesn�t hurt that Florrick has in recent days signaled his support for Amendment 31 and marijuana legalization, a cause that Young Boxer, er� avidly supports, judging from his lyrics.

So Florrick supports the green, and gains a little green of his own to finance his struggling campaign. Win�win.

posted February 8, 2011

In a desperate attempt to remain hip (or to check out the co-eds), State�s Attorney candidate Peter Florrick spoke to a group of hipsters, punks, geeks, and poseurs today. Avoiding all national chains based out of Seattle, Florrick ended up at a nice Chicago co-op, ordered his triple grande half-caf latte, with just a little bit of extra foam and a twist of soy, and spoke to the youth vote about the issues that matter most to them and their future. You know, like, pot, man. Ballot measure Amendment 31, medical marijuana, to be specific.

Afterwards, Peter went around and wrote the election date on every kid�s hand. Wouldn�t want them to sleep through their alarms on voting day.

Check out what Peter had to say below.

Riveting! Sounds like it would�ve been more appropriate for Peter to order a tall drip.

posted February 8, 2011

With goals of cornering the prostitution market, the law firm of Lockhart/Gardner & Bond have brought in a D.C. client, Americans for Growth and their financing of upwards of 100 million dollars. Apparently this Super-Pac claims to be bipartisan � which is as much a four letter word around the Chicago Democratic Machine as it is in Texas.

Does this mean the Democratic Machine might be weakening with the entrance of some bi-curious money? Is the mayor�s office in its cross hairs? Are you kidding? That race was fixed long ago.

posted February 7, 2011

We�ve noticed a fresh new face at Florrick HQ these days. No, don�t worry, Alicia, it�s not what you think. We�re talking about Matt Becker, the hipster statistician who never met an underdog he didn�t love. He must be head over heels for our boy Petey then! And Florrick seems to love him back. Maybe because no one else can tell him in such great detail, and with so many four-color graphs and charts, why every demographic hates him and will not vote for him. As for our own attraction to the wonder boy of Echo Park? Hey we�re shallow, we just dig the glasses...

posted February 1, 2011

Sources close to the campaign tell us that the money which replenished Florrick's coffers apparently came with strings attached. Wait, what�s that? In politics, you say?

The Republican PAC which replenished Florrick�s coffers (pumping him up in the hope he'd play spoiler) also turned out to be the source of the nasty flyers that have been popping up in South Side neighborhoods. Call it "protecting the investment."

With the evidence leading directly back to this PAC (amateurs!), Florrick had no choice but to do the honorable thing and decline the contributions. Ouch. Must've been awfully nice having all that money in the account for a day or two. Wonder how � and IF � the Florrick campaign's gonna make it to election day? They've already giving the volunteers the generic juice and cookies and using both sides of the post-it notes. What's next? Eli Gold, Streetwise vendor?

And if Florrick is on his final legs in this campaign, what can he look into doing? His wife's law firm seems to be doing well. Can Captain Malfeasance go back to being a litigator? Or should he just go be a law professor to all those co-eds out there. Or maybe he could take his talents to South Beach and become a judge... for wet t-shirt contests.

Readers, what other jobs do you think would be the perfect fit for Peter Florrick?

posted February 1, 2011

He can change a game in the final seconds. He's got such quick moves, even his toughest opponents can't catch him. He can help the money roll in for whomever signs him. Coming in at 6'3", and a lean, mean 180 pounds, this free agent's got a cool demeanor out on the field and he's a quiet leader in the room. He's incredibly tough one-on-one. He has the skills and determination to shut up even his harshest critics. Any team would be happy to have him aboard. Who can this man be? Why it's Chicago's very own, homegrown drug lord, Lemond Bishop, of course.

Currently looking for representation, Mr. Bishop has been going from law firm to law firm, trying to find some decent attorneys to take on his respectable ventures. You know, like his "fastest in three counties!" dry cleaning business, or his "fastest in three states" horses at his Leacrest Stables. Reports came in that Mr. Bishop was last seen going into the offices of LGB�the very workplace of the wife of S.A. candidate Peter Florrick. (which would make for some interesting dinner table convos, even though it would take a miracle for Florrick to win.) It appears LGB has an audition and is willing to take on any client to make some extra green.

posted February 1, 2011

The State's Attorney�s race is still anyone's game. All three candidates must be gazing at the mayoral race and heaving huge sighs of envy, muttering to themselves. "Look at them all � dropping like flies, being ruled ineligible. But nooo, we wanted to be State�s Attorney."

But judging from what we found in our in-box this morning, someone's getting pretty desperate.

This flyer has begun circulating throughout several South Side neighborhoods. Naturally both Childs and Florrick have been quick to disavow any knowledge of this stunt, and equally naturally, a spokeswoman for Scott-Carr�s campaign disparaged the move as "another classless personal attack, the kind voters want to see us move beyond."

We agree. Come on, guys. Keep it classy. Go bribe an appellate court or something.

posted January 19, 2011

Reports have come in that the mother of State´s Attorney candidate Peter Florrick has been spending some time at campaign headquarters. Baseless speculation says she´s there to advise on how to win over the prized Ol' Biddy vote. Or she´s there to push for more convictions on teens playing their hippity hop music after 7pm. Maybe she´s there to make sure Florrick keeps his peter put away when working with his aides.

Any way you cut it - how deliciously emasculating! Mommy´s watching!!

posted January 19, 2011

A couple of days ago, notorious web spammer Scott Bauer, accused of murdering his father, received an unfortunate pop-up of his own in court-a photo was revealed of him... wait for it... drinking! This took the courtroom by surprise that Bauer would be drinking a beer... at a WWII reenactment party... dressed in a Nazi uniform. (Well, someone has to play Himmler!)

Aside from DNA evidence pointing the finger at Bauer's guilt - in the diverse jury's eyes, having that smooth blonde hair and baby blues weren't helping him much either. The defense team tried to repair his damaged rep by revealing a second Nazi party photo that proved he was drinking a non-alcoholic beer. The jurors probably thought: not only is this murderer a Nazi, but he's boring, too.

Who would take on such a losing case? Well, Lockhart Gardner & Bond, of course. LGB must be desperate to make an extra buck. Too bad the case ended so quickly. Personally, we wanted to see more of the party photos - maybe Prince Harry made an appearance.

posted January 18, 2011

Word on the street is that the Florrick campaign just received a much needed infusion of cash, and not a moment too soon. "The needle was below E," is how one unnamed staffer put it to us. But the real news is where the money´s coming from. Adam Boras, a fundraiser from Florrick´s first campaign, brought in the funds to allow Captain Malfeasance to fight/malfease another day.

We´re curious about where exactly Boras found this miraculous influx of cash? And how did Florrick's consigliere Eli Gold miss tapping into it? Is the terror of Michigan Avenue losing his touch?